15 February, 2017

The day it all started 

Today was the first time I told someone about what happened. It was also the first time i actually though about that. I’ve been all ‘mind over matter’ with this and forcing myself not to think. I still haven’t thought deeply about it. I’m afraid that, when i do, i will start crying and once that happens i won’t know how to make it stop. So for now i’m ok. It’s just a fake ok as i don’t have anything to not be ok for. Funny enough, i remembered that three years ago today you asked me to be your girlfriend. And the though of that hurts more than it should for someone saying she’s ok. The memory of that day, on that bench on the train station – waiting for the train you ended up missing – makes my eyes burn and my stomach turn. I may not be ready to think about what happened, but i’m definitely ready to let go of what it could have been. And thinking of that brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart feel small. So i’m not thinking about it. Not yet. Not for now. I also don’t think i’m ready to let you go. The fact is that you were my best friend for a very long time and i would talk to you whenever i was feeling sad. So we may not be speaking anymore and you may no longer be in my life, but i will write you. And i will keep on writing until it no longer hurts. 

Still yours, 

x

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